just another day...

dangling from the chakra rail ,fighting their way out when the stoppage comes and bearing an incessant dhakka dhakki ;after the long hours of 9 to 5 office,people return back homewards actually with a smile on their faces,cracking jokes with their colleagues who have ceased to be just so and grown to be friends in this rather tiring and mundane process.
it actually struck me to be quite strange and odd...i just have to bear with say 4 hours of classes that also 4 days a week (if i do not consider the off periods and the considerable amount of bunking involved) and just for that the amount i crib and whine ,and to think there are people who slog the entire day at office and go back home having a discussion on how pretty poonam dhillon looked in saree at some filmfare award...or say how they consider rekha as a truly timeless beauty...in actually a very jovial mood.one guy commented:"arre bari giye 3 peg whisky mane liquor cha ar muhammad rafi,uff swargo dada swargo!!"
swargo ki sundar living room tai hoye jai aneker,ar aneke khuje berai sei swarger choa...
yeah it was just another day i bunked college!!
just another day i chanced upon some people tired from being the bearer of the burden of the tag of the bread earner of the family...just some people who inspite of facing a lot of hardships throughout the day,inspite of being worn out compeletely...find the spirit and enthusiasm to crack jokes at each other...to say:"tari tarkarir ja dam amar bou kheteo chai na ami khaoateo chai na...gan kheyei amader din kete jai"
jiboner dukkho gulo k express karar ki sundar padhyoti...
yeah truly it was just another day...
one can find inspiration in books ,movies,individuals...today was a day i found the conversations of just another bunch of commoners inspiring...
but yeah probably it will slip out of my mind in say a week or two...am i going to be inspired for my entire life,hell no!!
no,i did not find motivation to let go of the bundles which bog me down in a deep dark swamp of no return, shame and humiliation...i did not find the desire to let go...
today was just another day...
yes...a day i met human spirit at her most vivacious self in a group of middle aged common men...
and for this beautiful evening i am thankful...

dhurrr...bhallagchena...bolechilam na i hate late nite posts...i am in weird moods most of the times...specially nowadays...everything is going haywire...lots of changes...too hard to digest...

[:)]

1.a certain phone call made me rush to 8 b today for no obvious reasons at all...
2.a few sms es make me smile at myself for hours...
3.a cup of coffee with certain few leave me glowing for hours...
4.the prospect of going over to some place does make me have butterflies in my tummy...
5.and my school friends calling up suddenly just like that and the prospect of a plan of meeting them ...no matter what...makes me
amazingly excited and immensely happy...

no i don't really wish for any change after all...after all if u have someone whose one sms can make smile at urself in the
bus and not even care whether people are looking or not...then who needs somebody else...if a missed call can make you finish your stupid paper in a
hurry and rush then everythings fine...it may not last...i know it is not going to...but then nothing does...at least it did for a few days...

realisation...

i feel i have got an amazing capability of not even looking at things when they stare point-blank at your face...i can continue to be oddly blank unless the facts give me a sharp jibe or even a rude shock garnished with humiliation or embarrasment at times...people do call me naive or gullible at times...but i consider this behaviour of mine owing to nothing but utter stupidity

a spoonful magic

i am feeling miserable...alone...

i tried amitabha ghosh...agatha christie...

maybe it is time to go back to harry potter...

wingardium laviosa!!

it does not even matter...

telling myself it is not important over and over again...i now know it is not so...

sms and scraps, most importantly it is ur instincts which count and tell you the truth...

a single yes shakes me up...

i know it is not easy ,i shall not even endeavour to make it so...

i just begin by doing the hardest thing...i forgive myself...

the last year...

In front of the keyboard I sit reflecting on the past year…I dare say one of the most important years of my life…a year which made me stand in front of my weakness…a year which made me face my fears…a year which exposed my insecurities…a year which taught me to trust people…most importantly a year which taught me the importance of right and wrong…and pointed out the necessity of remaining true to oneself otherwise how hard looking at oneself in the mirror may become…

This year marked several important events particularly in my personal life…owing to certain people …
1. srijani thank you dear for being there…just your presence still matters a lot…
2. debolina for being a friend…
3. sohini di…though this year we had our share of differences, though I have been very rude and indifferent at times still you are an amazing person and the best sister one can have…
4. eman da…only two words for you …hats off!!
5. satyaki da…you do make a difference…
6. subha and debo…for making me feel I belong to the department…

These are only a few to state …arko da ,biju, honey each are very special to me…I will miss u guys a lot!!i mean when I felt there is nobody to trust…I felt alone…lost…I felt low…I could not even gather up the courage to look at myself …knowingly or unknowingly u guys have been there…don’t really know what would have done without u!!thakn you jupc…for giving me all these… for giving me a gamut of experience to cherish and remember all my life…thakn u jupc for giving me such amazing friends…thank you jupc for bakkhali and benaras …those were experiences of a lifetime…

tagged...

okkayy...so on being tagged here i am writing down 25 random things about myself...though i can't see a reason why on earth would anybody be interetsed in reading my stupid blabberings,but stilll here goes
1.i love black...actually i am obsessed with black be it the colour or characters.
2.i can't forgive not forget...specially myself.
3.i am utterly confused.
4.i practically love two names-aditya and siddharth one for reasons best known to me and the other because i just like the sound of it.
5.this tagging is a pain in the ass.i can't think of anything else.
6.i had a strange habit.i used to imagine myself as characters from books.i still do.
7.daydreaming sustains me.
8.i am nuts about nuts.
9.ccd was once a home to me and a friend of mine,all our pnpc used to happen there.i miss our haunt.
10.suddenly i realise writing down 25 things about myself is not as random as i thot it would be.
11.i would have loved to have been born in egypt.the barren deserts fascinates me.
12.i so do want to go for a trek amidst jungles and mountains.
13.benaras was an experience of a lifetime,i would love to go back.
14.a few smell s make me lose my senses.
15.i absolutely love dresses...i think they are gorgeous.
16.i adore kohl lined eyes.
17.recently i have developed a fetish for ballerinas.
18.i have terrible mood swings.
19.at times i can be strangely indifferent to people i care about.
20.i can eat drink and sleep on books.
21.i severely lack patience.
22.sometimes i miss having boys cut hair...i would love to go back to those days.
23.thank goodnesss,just 2 more to go.
24.the bhukkar i am,i love gorging on chocolate fantasy.
25.i was learning not to trust people,i failed miserably i don't know whether to be happy or sad!!

paint me white...

ek fali hasi
ek mutho roddur...

a touch of green
a certain smell...

i lose my senses
intoxicated...on a perpetual high

a whirl of flame
ebony black...it all goes up in the smoke

mirror mirror on the wall...tell me who's the darkest of all

i dread the answer

two eyes look at me
no questions,no answers
just a small look
my insides melt...hot lead
a burning sensation

conscience can be such a pain in the ass...

hung heavy with anticipation...the air seemed rusted to the senses...
the long wait saturated with expectations made me go jittery in the tummmy,unable to digest the smell of heavy lead filtering through my nostrils making way into the lungs...
my mind was strangely empty...a void...astonishingly without any preconceived notions...
nature seemed to voice my thoughts ,putting on a mask of bland colourless veil...indifferent to so many people queing by the roads...yeah indifference can be a strange virtue after all!!
the wait came to an end!!
they came...
people do anything to get a blessing of the so called almighty ...dont they...they can do anything just get someting that might show them as the receivers of god's grace...with no offence i do find this funny...but then belief can prove to be very powerful at times...
personally i don't believe in god...i refuse to believe in anything godly...yeah a portion of my egoistic nature is reflected through this attitude...but then this is me!!
but still...today...the whole ambience ...the mood...the pulse touched me!!
i did not go to touch their holy palanquin or that chaddar...but the believes of those many a people touched a chord somewhere...i was moved...
the song...even though i could not follow the urdu lyrics...that powerful voice reverberated in my heart...made me feel like a part of the mourning...
it unleashed a cascade of emotions ...i never knew they existed...overwhelmed by the mood i was left standing...just taking in the raw emotions ...
was in the rhythm...the beat...the passion of their belief...or was in just the response of a mind shaken from seeing blood stained pink clothes and fresh wound even on little children...
i don't really know...i don't think that i should even try to ever...
all i can say is...
overwhelmed...i pray for their souls...

happy new year!!

a new year...a new beginning...a new game...a new bargain...

yet...

it is still there...

happy new year...sweetheart!!

"on the stage"

seven...six...five...

a surge of adrenaline...

four...three...two...

any moment now...

one!!!

the curtains parted.i raise my hands...i feel nauseous...

i am tired...broken from playing...my heart turns...home!!!

the hissing of oil when you throw a handful of sukno lanka on it...the smell of popcorns....

walking down rain washed lanes with a laugh...a small touch...a certain smell emanating from green...i lose my senses

no need of prompting...she enters...co ordination and co operation...everything runs smoothly...a part of the plan...i forget my lines
...improvise and innovate...stunned faces...

wide eyes...disbelief...

a sudden whirl...a flash of black...or was that white!!i can never be sure...

the curtains fall!!!i extend my hands...my ears go red...overcome with guilt and embarrassment...heart says be clear to yourself...
mind...just laughs....

i learn to smile ...i learn to laugh...

the curtains part again...

silence descends...

red haze!!!!

waiting...
waiting...
second pass...melting into minutes...taking time for the much predictable transformation into hours...
the rain has stopped...the pelting raindrops over the cemented rooftop has given way to the pleasant cool breeze giving goosebumps to my dry skin...
people pass by hiding under their colorful umbrellas...without giving as much of a glance upwards...i am sitting by the window lost somewhere...i have lost my umbrella somewhere...
i am still waiting...
the violet crimson hues of the sky unlease a different feeling in my heart...the patterns of the cloud paint a magnificent painting on the palette of the colorful sky...
my heart fills with emotion...i hear a voice..."i think of you when it rains"...
i feel like snuggling down in his arms...i want to feel the warmth and comfort of being in love...of being loved...
another voice rings again in my head "sometimes i feel you have an uncanny habit of being indifferent,you tend to fall out of love"...
the phone does not ring yet...
i am still waiting...

tagged...

okies...so after a lot of ghyan ghyan i finally got tagged...:)
1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it ?
i have this scar over my left eyebrow...when i was in i think class 3...i was coming back home from school in a bus...suddenly the bus slammed down the brakes...i was thrown off my seat and bumped into the gate ,it was a mess...blood was trickling down from my forehead...i still remember the lady beside me put water and sugar(god knows why)...and i was left witha horrible cut over my left eyebrow...scarred for the rest of my life,but actually its very un noticeable to be true

2. What does your phone look like?
its a cool looking black nokia 6030...i love my phone...though its very common i think its amazin looking...

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
blandness and emptiness...colorless and rhythmless...white

4. What is your current desktop picture?
welll...umm...one of my pictures posing in an orange salwar(specifying i was not being able to see my brother taking the picture as i had taken off my glasses)...damn my friends are rite...i truly am self obsessed(upto a limit i like to believe though)

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
yeah sure...to each his own...

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
i want to put some things right...say sorry to some people i have hurt...say sorry to myself for behaving in the most childish fashion i believe...my huge boulder like ego is preventing me from doing it

7. Are your parents still together?
ma passed away after my hs...

8. Last person who made you cry?
my swinging moods and whimsical erratic nature...

9. What is your favorite perfume/cologne?
i am not particularly choosy abt perfumes


10. What are you listening to?
pocahontas-colors of the wind

11. Do you get scared of the dark?
i am terrified of the dark,to me darkness signifies all my innermost fears...and i am absolutely petrifed of confronting things which makes me go weak and lose control...

12. Do you like pain killers?
yes...instant relief...

13. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
no i am not...

14. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
i am pining for a pastry...the gluttinous female i am...

15. Who was the last person who made you mad?
a person i thought i knew...

16. Who was the last person who made you smile?
a person i think i know...

17. Is someone in love with you?
clearly no...

when i stay awake till 3 in the night which now has become a regular affair it does not mean i am sad or depressed...it does not mean something is going in my life which i cannot manage...

it just means I am NOT sleepy...

there now made everything clear...

damn it ...i hate late night posts...i am in weird moods most of the time...

p.s. do excuse the grammatical errors...i am feeling too lazy to edit the entire thing and correct them now...

thoughts from the blue...

weird??huh!!well i cant help it ...i am sick of this entire process,i am tired of thinking and framing words tactfully before saying it,i am utterly bored of thinking twice or sometimes thrice before telling someone i care about u,damn it!!thats y i am so bothered up in fear of being taken for granted(people do behave weirdly when u tell them that) ... sometimes i do want to break free from this ridiculously mundane life and go someplace where i can do stuff without havng to answer the questions of why,when and where...i hate this general feeling of a malaise creeping up my neck when the reason is entirely in my head...as i friend acorn puts it "dude be sure of your situations before you make a big deal"...has it ever happened to u when you sit on the front seat of an auto half inside;the fast speeding wind touching your hand...that u feel a strange feeling of the speed of which the world is moving and if u dont keep pace u will get thrown any minute bogged down by your weird emotional baggage ...or has it ever happened that suddenly out of the blue u want to stand up on your head as if u can throw the unwanted thoughts out of ur head by doing that(ohh!!how i wish this was true...sigh!!) or maybe...ohh i suppose u have stopped reading this post by now mentally labelling me as in need of help...but then what do i care...u r probably someone i hardly know and i definately dont give u the right to judge me by just reading something i wrote when i was feeling blue as the bee(bee n blue??goddd...wats the matter with me..honestly)...anyways so throwing wind to all cautions i admit i am over sensitive and hyper...i tend to make things in my head and pretend as if they are true..i am very much prone to exaggeration so dont believe anything i say...actually i will be very upset if u do that i am trying to cut it down u know...and then i hate to admit but i am as confused as a six year old kid ...that is why i am always contradict myself and dont really what i want at the end of the day...as a matter fo fact i meant to start this blog to ask u all do u really need to think before leaping i mean wats wrong with doing things u want to instead of thinking thousand times at its consequences...but then i guess i have completely deviated from my point and have rattled on like a crazy kid whose just feeling low over what shes done ...if u have read this and u still have managed to keep your eyes from rolling in exasperation at your computer...then all i can say is congrats u have just completely wasted what i believe is a maximum of 5 minutes of your life...

my friends..

lean on to them..they seem to whisper back..share your heart..they will carry you home..and that is the only way it is done..for the first time feel free..free to open your soul..unfold ,accept all your dark shades..without a trace of shame..without a pinch of reproach..they will accept you the way you are..melt in their dark cosyness..revel in the new found friendship..extend you hands..touch their hearts..you will find youself in them..lean on to them..they seem to whisper back...and that is why i say ..shadows are my best friends..